Things Arthur says

This page houses a collection of things that my husband Arthur has said.  It will be updated as he says more funny/cute things.

“Bill Ward.  Arruh ruh raruh wuh ruhrah ruh rar wararuh, that’s how Bill Ward sounds.”
-Arthur

“Come out of your cocoon so you can become a beautiful butterbeast!”
-Arthur, trying to get me out of bed

“The Warriors haven’t scored in over 9000 minutes.”
-Arthur

“Puppy dictator!  So cute!”
-Arthur

Me: “Every male actor has a legion of giggly fangirls.”
Arthur: “No, that can’t be true.”
Me: “It is!  Try to think of one actor who doesn’t.”
Arthur: “Like, oh my god, Phillip Seymour Hoffmannnn!  OMG, Steve Buscemi!  I love his teeth!”

“Kevin Spacey doesn’t need to come out.  The collective yawn would be deafening.”
-Arthur

“…I think I’m going to need another Panda.”
-Arthur (he was playing Scribblenauts on his DS when I overheard him saying this)

“Corsets are hot.  So are…um…leg suspenders.”
-Arthur (he does not know what a garter belt is called)

“Where are those things that your mom brought that have the things inside of them that you put in the toaster?”
-Arthur (asking me where the Pop Tarts are)

“I like this juice.  It’s like I’m drinking the red potion from Zelda.”
-Arthur explains why he likes our big fat bottle of Martinelli’s pomegranate juice

“You know how drink is both a verb and a noun?  Well, how come when we go to restaurants we don’t order eat?”
-Arthur

Arthur: Listening to a cheeseball Scorpions song
Me: “Arthur, come to bed please.”
Arthur: “But Beastly, I’m listening to the Scorpions!”
Me: “Please come to bed!”
Arthur: “But…the Scorps!”

Me: “What are you doing?”
Arthur: “I’m eating chips and salsa.”
Me: “That’s not salsa.  That’s spaghetti sauce.”

“There were so many bears.  It was bear city.  It was like a forest.”
-Arthur (commenting on how many bears were around DNA Lounge during Pride weekend)

Me: “Why do you like my robe so much?”
Arthur: “Because it’s purple.”

“I always like it when you bring me pants.”
-Arthur

“Hot beastly!”
-Arthur’s exclamation when he realized his spaghetti was too hot to eat

“Isn’t a hippocampus some sort of stadium for horses?”
-Arthur

“Is big yellow choo choo train in the sky!”
-Arthur, being unbearably cute while playing Dragon Quest IX

“Things me says!”
-What Arthur calls this “Things Arthur Says” section

“Sandwiches taste better when they have cute names.”
-Arthur on the “Call of the Wild” sandwich at the Glen Ellen Village Market deli

“So this whole show is this bald penis man eating large foods.  That’s the whole show.”
-Arthur’s summary of the show Meat and Potatoes

“If you don’t want to pay taxes, go to the mountains.  Live.  On.  The mountains.”
-Arthur’s critique of people who don’t want to pay taxes

“Cause you were born this way…a Wolverine.”
-Arthur utilizing Lady Gaga lyrics when talking about how Wolverine is a good name for a baby

Arthur: “Can I have one of those cookies?”
Me: “Those aren’t cookies.  Those are veggie burgers.”

“They are like guinea pig walruses!”
-Arthur on capybaras

“The Dragoon Stout didn’t taste like a Dragoon.  I wanted to feel like I was drinking Skyrim!”
-Arthur on Moylan’s Dragoon Dry Stout

“I have 25 bees.  I will never again need bees.”
-Arthur, on bug catching in Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

“Ooh, juice gossip!”
-Arthur

Arthur: “Ewoks were just a George Lucas cash grab.”
Me: “So is all of Star Wars!”
Arthur: “No!  That’s not true!  Not the first two movies.  The first two movies were real things!”*
*Refers to the first two Star Wars movies ever made, not episodes I and II

Things Arthur Says: Star Trek edition

“Riker is a giving lover.”

“Let’s hear more of Patrick Stewart’s sultry baritone.”

“Data is a nice man!”

“Riker has a bubbly ass.”

“The Cardassian ship looks like a cheese!”

“All of these episodes are Quarkisodes!”

Things Arthur Says in His Sleep:

“You are the winds of snug.  Whistle solo.”

Me: “Okay Arthur, I’m going to work for a little bit, but I’ll be back soon.”
Arthur: “But…who’s going to man the ice cream shop?”

Me: “Arthur, wake up, I have ice cream for you.”
Arthur: “But…what if he’s lactose intolerant?”
Me: “Who?”
Arthur: “The candidate.”

“Those are nipples, not pancakes!”

Things Arthur Says: Guy Fieri edition

“Look at his manchild board shorts.  What is he, 45?  HE IS WEARING SUNGLASSES ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD.  Ugh, what fail!”

“Look at his bowling shirt.  That’s the only sport he can do.”

“UGH the shitstain on humanity is here.”